Here are the Top Five on Bronnie’s list:
1. I wish I'd had the
courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work
so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the
courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed
in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let
myself be happier.
When I did the
personal interviews after the Boomer Babes Lifestyle Survey that I authored, I asked each woman
to share her greatest regret. Right off the bat, 17% of the participants
claimed that when looking back at their lives, they had no regrets, and if they
did, they were small ones.
When cataloging the
response of the others interviewed, I found they fell into several categories of
distinction, ironically there were 5 general categories here as well.
1. Regrets regarding
family issues (25%)
2. Marriage/relationship
issues (25%)
3. More/continued
education (21%)
4. I wish I’d been more
assertive (8%)
5. I wish I’d been true
to myself (4%)
Family issues were many. The question of
regrets brought painful memories, and tears flowed during these conversations.
Bonnie grew up in a
fractured family. Her stepfather was abusive, and she left home at the age of
15. She admits that she spent much of her life being bitter, and brought that
bitterness and anger into her own marriage. As she and the marriage matured,
her husband helped her to realize that it doesn’t pay to be resentful. His
steadfast love and support of her helped make her the woman she is today.
Martha was a
divorced, single mother of a boy. She felt she could have been a better mother,
but spent too much time trying to focus on her own life, not her son’s.
Rose’s son was on a
self-destructive path, but she had no way to stop the events of his life, one
that he eventually lost.
Some were simpler,
but no less hurtful. Nola regretted that she didn’t get close to her mother
earlier in life.
Paula said she didn’t
tell her father “I love you” the last time she saw him.
Marital issues ran the gambit as well. Marrying too young is
a regret several women expressed.
Vera felt she was too young when she married,
and didn’t think she was mature enough to be a good wife and mother. Although Loretta
has been in a long-running marriage, she also admits marrying too young. She
wishes she had more single years prior to her commitment.
Poor choice of
partner was a common theme as well, from regret of choice, to not escaping from
a bad marriage soon enough.
Continuing Education - This regret ranked high
also. For some it was because opportunity for continuing education wasn’t
available. For others, they had started college but either didn’t finish or
didn’t pursue higher degrees.
Assertiveness (or lack of it) - Sandy has been
divorced many more years than she was married, and learned to become assertive
to make her way in life. She regrets that she was not assertive early in her marriage. She tried valiantly to
live up to the standard of the time and defer to her husband. However, deferring
led to her husband walking all over her; in turn, she lost his respect and
respect for herself.
Lynn’s husband lost
his job in the early years of their marriage. She regrets she wasn’t more
assertive in getting him motivated. She points to that negative time in their
life for causing problems they are living with now.
Do you see yourself
in these regrets? I read this quote recently by Sydney J. Harris, an American
journalist: “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret
for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
I also regret that I
learned to be assertive later in life. My mother was a tough cookie, but she
never encouraged me to be. Perhaps I absorbed some of my mother’s strength by
osmosis. I just wish I had found it in me earlier in my life.
Indeed, I saw some of
myself in each woman’s responses. I have regrets over marriage choices and how
I handled marriage. I have regrets over past mistakes that cause family issues
in the present. I regret that I didn’t put education ahead of me as a priority.
Many nights I spent staring
at the ceiling, replaying life, woulda/coulda/shoulda, beating myself up for
what I did or didn’t do. Then one day, there was a family crisis, a “kerfuffle,”
as Judge Judy would say. Past offenses and slights flew like arrows. Usually in
those situations, I groveled and begged forgiveness for my egregious life
errors. Placating, apologizing, and soothing others was my standing operating procedure. For
whatever reason, however, something “clicked” that day. I made the decision
that I was done apologizing and regretting. I would forgive myself. If the other person couldn't forgive me, then it was no longer my problem.
Taaa Daaaa! You could almost hear the angels heralding. A weight lifted off my shoulders
that I didn’t even realize was so heavy. I breathed a sigh of relief. My new
theory is this: If I offend/upset/slight or anger you today, I will try to make
it right. However, what occurred 10 or 20 years ago is over. There is no fixing
it now. We can only move forward.
Regrets? Yes, I have had a few, but we can’t go back. So,
as they say in that Disney song that’s been on everyone’s lips this year,” Let it go! Let it go!” Don’t let your
greatest regret in life be that you spent your life reliving your mistakes.
