Dogs and Cats and More, Oh My!

Santa brought Hazel a new raincoat for Christmas!

I met Hazel through a mutual friend. I agreed to help by dropping this dog at the local Humane Society on a Saturday morning. For Hazel, it was a return trip to the shelter. A mix between cocker spaniel with big, soulful eyes and long eyelashes and a sheltie with a long, silky coat, her crime of rejection was not doing well with small children. Hazel was quaking in fear when we arrived at the building. Just like Mary and Joseph in Bethlehem, there was no room in the inn for her. The Humane Society was full and they couldn’t accept her there until the following Tuesday. I agreed to take her temporarily until there was an opening; and the rest is history. She fit seamlessly into our household. There is no way we could return her to shelter life.

It’s not surprising that in the Boomer Babes survey that 54% of respondents reported pet ownership. There seems to be an inborn need in us to care for something and a pet can easily fill the bill.

Dogs make up 53% of pet ownership in our survey. Compared to the rest of the world, dog ownership is highest in the United States. History abounds with dog relationships. There are lots of books and stories covering the topic of the loyalty of dogs. Recently there was a viral photo of a dog lying beside his fallen soldier’s casket; and of course there is the famous Grayfriars Bobby, who returned to the same railroad station platform day after day to wait the return of his master. They reflect the patterns of our lives and are intuitive about our feelings. They seem to sense our needs, sometimes before we even realize for ourselves what they are. They are quiet when we’re tired or sick. They exhibit boundless joy when we’re happy or excited.

In my own neighborhood I see a core group of neighbors who would be lost without their dogs. Their best friends give them reason to get up in the morning because there is something/someone for which to care. Their dogs keep them active as well. In my Weight Watchers group we say that if your dog’s overweight, chances are you are too. My own husband admits that if it weren’t for dog walking, he would not simply “go for a walk.”

While outing our dogs, we develop social interaction. They are sure to be conversation starters. Total strangers that would pass you by if you were walking alone will stop and engage someone who is walking a dog. Single men and women find them to be good “wing men” because of the enduring need by others to greet a dog.

When I interviewed Nola, her response to “what she wanted for Christmas” was simply to be with her little dog. She says it’s the center of her life.

Cats make up 37% of pets owned by those who answered the survey. Their aloofness sometimes comes across as arrogant and independent, but they still depend on us to care for them. They reward us with a playful spirit. Their antics can entertain for hours. Your hands sliding along their bodies are a sensual expression of your love for them.  

As I interviewed Wendy, her two house cats roamed under the table, swishing and swiping our legs. Cats are a great choice for her family. Wendy and her husband travel frequently for short periods, and the independent spirit and easy care nature of cats makes it simple to leave them. They love their cats enough to keep another one in their family owned business location. A chubby little male named Dave patrols the rambling building, and is a greeter for those coming into the store.

Diana recently moved from her own duplex to a high-rise senior building. One of her greatest joys before she moved was feeding the local stray cats. Now in her high-up residence, she misses that opportunity.

Tina and her husband have never had children, but are parents to a little dog, Zorro. However, Zorro’s not an only “child” in their marriage. Tina’s husband has a soft spot for stray cats and they serve as adoptive parents by bringing them into their home.

Five percent of our survey respondents had the best of both worlds, owning at least one dog and one cat. Birds and horses each took about 3% of “other” pets. Reptiles ownership was 1%. A few survey participants were lucky enough to have the farm life with multiples of horses, dogs, cats, etc.

Whatever the pet you own, the benefits are many. Our pets are our companions, confidants, comfort, motivation, and inspiration. For us who are empty nesters, they are surrogate children, giving us purpose. For those singles among us, they can be our family. Studies show that stroking your pet reduces your blood pressure (and your pet’s too.). Another study specifically indicates that survival rates following a heart attack are significantly higher for pet owners. 

Want to start a conversation? Tell a story about your pet and all listeners around you with pets will chime in too. Do you have a pet story to share? How did you and your pet meet? Do you have an unusual pet? You can share your pet stories and pictures with us here on this blog in the comment section below.

If you know someone who may benefit from this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com . You can also enter your email address above and you will receive an email each time a new topic is posted on this blog. 

 Through compassion, you will find that all human beings are just like you. - Dalai Lama

The Color of Christmas: Elvis or Bing?

Cigarette smoke floats in front of the viewfinder as the movie camera records my three children entering the living room to see what Santa has left under the tree for them. My grade-school daughters are in the flannel granny gowns, gifts from me they opened the night before. My toddler son is in a yellow footed sleeper. Despite the feet in his jammies, he excitedly pulls on the cowboy boots that are under the tree for him, and begins kicking his sisters with them. The camera pans the room, and there is my mother, cigarette in hand, with a big smile on her face, watching the grandchildren she adores. There’s my dad wearing his typical flannel shirt with pipe clenched between his teeth. He’s smiling too. My husband (at the time) is silently admonishing the son for kicking, and pointing here and there around the room. It’s a wordless scene because our movie camera didn’t record sound. It appears that most everyone was enjoying that Christmas morning.

It was the mid-seventies and that was our Christmas. We all smoked back then. If camcorders existed then, we didn’t own one. We just had our old movie camera. It never occurred to me as I was filming the scene that morning that within five years both of my parents and marriage would all be deceased. The film would be my only “moving” memory of my parents.

With my divorce began our tradition of having fractured family Christmases. Back then and even now, schedules require juggling because of parents/step-parents visitation arrangements. Holidays were tough then. Money was tight. My parents were gone. I spent time wringing my hands, feeling sorry for myself, and bemoaning my life. Elvis cut my heart out each time he sang about “blue Christmas.” 

It’s the next millennium. The Christmas promotion season begins before the Thanksgiving turkey is on the table. For some of our wise women, the 3 “D”s (death, divorce, distance) and family estrangements will make the long Christmas season not so merry and bright. 

Looking over the statistics collected and notes from the private interviews of the Boomer Babes Survey, 65% of respondents have lost their parents. If you shared holiday traditions with your parents, it will seem particularly difficult. What do you do now? According to *ComfortKeepers, “knowing what to do about family traditions is one of the hardest things people face after the death of a loved one. Don't be afraid to tell family members that certain traditions will be too hard. Plan to do only what is special and meaningful to you. Most people experiencing grief during the holidays do find creating some new tradition to honor a loved one helps.” 

Losses through death are devastating, but particularly when children are involved. Six percent of those who answered the survey have lost children. A few have shared their personal stories. 

Gayle has lost two sons and a stepson. She grieves them all every day. A second particularly touching story is that of Rose. I’ve mentioned her in another blog posts because her story is so remarkable. Like the biblical Job, Rose suffered loss after loss. Within six months of each other, Rose lost her mother, her only son, and her husband. It is a heart-breaking burden to tolerate, but Rose soldiers on with support of friends, and the love of her daughter and grandchildren. I stand in awe of her grace and her faith.

Marital status can color your Christmas too. Divorce has claimed 13% of those who answered; separation claims 1%; widowhood accounts for 8%; and 6% are single, and never been married. 

Family estrangements add a whole other dimension to holidays as empty chairs speak loudly for the person who isn’t there, and loyalties divide family members.

Geographical obstacles coupled with a tight economy and high traveling costs can cut family members out of holiday celebrations too.

My first “divorced” Christmas alone with no spouse or parents presented its own challenges as I struggled alone to bring a live tree up three flights of steps to my apartment. I never knew Christmas trees were so unwieldy. My ex-husband was always responsible for the tree. For some reason, I felt it was particularly important that year to have a live tree. I suppose I was trying to maintain the live-tree tradition for the sake of the kids. I sat alone in the glow of the tree’s lights that Christmas Eve slugging down hot chocolate laced with amaretto while the kids were visiting their father’s family. Yes, you can add “loneliness” to the list. 

If you are one of the wise women that fit into the statistics covered here, please know that I don’t want to be a “downer.” None of us can ever say “we know how you feel,” because everyone feels something different. Some people find that simply accepting the fact that the holiday season will be hard and painful provides more strength to cope. By being one of our “wise women,” I assure you a sorority surrounds you that are here to comfort and care for you. 

Here are a few suggestions for changing your Christmas from blue to white:

•  Lower your expectations of the holiday season.
• If death caused the absence of your loved one, develop a way to honor that person over the holiday.        
• Accept that there will be emotional triggers and decide ahead of time how you’ll deal with them.
• Make new traditions or revise the old ones. 
• You may be lonely, but don’t be alone. Make plans. Find ways to fill the most stressful times like Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. 
•  Attend worship services. You may find comfort there. 
•  Stay connected with friends. Grief and loneliness can drive us into isolation.

·         Losses are a part of life. Those of us who have lost loved ones or must experience the holidays alone will have no choice but to experience and express sadness this holiday season. But I want to share how our wise women answered question #30 during their personal interviews. When asked, “How much control do you have over the bad or unpleasant things that happen to you,” many responded similarly by saying that you cannot control what happens, but you can control how you react to bad things. That response strikes me as especially wise. If I had known then what I know now, I could have/would have reacted differently. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

You can honor your grief and loss with dignity and grace, and still have a blessed Christmas holiday. So please don’t let Elvis drag you down with his blue Christmas. Let Bing Crosby whistle his way into your holiday so that your days may be merry and bright, and all your Christmases be white.

If you know someone who may benefit from this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com

*http://www.comfortkeepers.com - Seniors And Grief Coping With Loss

I Want, I Wish

Being a wise woman of age carries some responsibilities with it. We’ve seen many things in our lives and learned many lessons. When we see an opportunity to serve as a role model for younger women, we need to seize it. That brings me to the following thoughts.

While watching the news one morning this week, I became acutely aware of how many reports weren’t really news stories. Many of the features were “do-gooder” stories about various groups, organizations, or people that are helping or being helped in this Christmas season. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. However, I wondered out loud to my husband where all this help is the rest of the year? People need help every day in every way. Not just in December. 

Do I sound like a grumpy old lady? Perhaps; but just hear me out. There’s a little more to the story.

Later that same day, while browsing Facebook posts, I saw this “I Want” list posted. The words brought me back to a hard time in my life.

As a single mother of three kids, struggle is what we did every day. One of my daughters joked that the only meat we ever had in our house was Bacon Bits. We all laughed, but it wasn’t really funny. I recall a particular Thanksgiving when I had nothing to put together that traditional meal for my kids, so I farmed them out to friends for the day so that they could have that meal. Of course, I sat home alone, feeling sorry for myself. Tearfully feeling sorry for myself, I must say.

Life goes on, and things do get better. Through those difficult years, “keeping the faith” was my mantra. For each day that was bad, I hoped the next day would be better. Sometimes it was, sometimes not. One of the things I learned for sure is that being poor makes you humble. I never forgot the lean times. Until you’ve been there, you can’t really appreciate it. My neighbors at the time would never have guessed how desperately poor I was because I was too proud to ask for help. Do you think you have someone in your neighborhood that might be living in “closet” poverty?

My life has come full circle. We are not rich, but we are blessed. For those who know me and think I do too much outreach work, it’s because of those lean years when I could barely help myself that I reach out to help others. Each Sunday when we recite the prayer of confession, we ask forgiveness “for what we have done, and by what we have left undone.” My heart never wants to leave anything undone.

A beloved friend of mine, the Rev. Boyd Edmondson and his wife Shirley just returned from a six-month mission experience in Rwanda. Boyd did a great job of faithfully posting their experiences every day. He saw first-hand the richness and reward of serving others. In one of his posts shortly before their return home, he wrote, “God doesn't force us to do His work, but rather asks us first. We are often troubled when God asks something of us, thinking of many reasons why He should have chosen someone else. But God promises to be with us and to help us. If we say, "Yes,” to God we get to see miracles happen. If we say, "No,” then God will respect our decision but we will not know the adventure of serving God."

My first calling wasn’t something easy, but to the adventure of mission in genocide-torn Rwanda. I was 56 years old then, so if you think I may have been frightened, you would be correct; but that is where faith comes in. God asked me to go and I did. He promised to help me on the way, and he did. I have seen the miracles that can take place because I said “yes” instead of “no” to the adventure. 

My faith has taken me around the world and back. I try to do something every day for someone else. It could be something as simple as dropping a dollar in the Salvation Army kettle or being nice to a cashier that looks like it’s been a tough day. It could also be finding a new bed for someone, or serving a meal to 100 people. 

Big or small, extravagant or simple, what can you do to help? All you have to do is look around. A child certainly wants and enjoys toys and Christmas; but we should remember the child more often than December 1 to December 25^th. Do you see where all this is going?

My Christmas wish is to see the fulfillment of the last line of that “I Want” list that says “Most of all, I would like to see people start to care for each other.” I’m offering all of you wise women the gift of opportunity to accept the challenge to answer all the “I wants.” If we all gave much, not just at Christmas time, but every day of the year, we might be able to check some of those wants off the list. In this me, me, me, and hurry-up world, take just a minute and say “yes.” 

If you like what you have read here, please share it onward to your friends. You can be the voice of our generation of wise women mentoring the next generation of wise women. 

I wish you all a blessed and joyous Christmas. 

What do you want for Christmas?

Dear Santa...

Do you remember when your Christmas wish list included a pink Princess phone in your room, or maybe an Annie Oakley cowgirl outfit? Life has caught up with us, but we still can dream can’t we?

If you could get the best Christmas present ever, what would it be? That was question #39 in the personal interview session. The sky was the limit with no boundaries geographically or financially. The phrasing encouraged a “wishful” thought process. As this week turns a final corner to Christmas, the question couldn’t be timelier.

We wise women know that Christmas is not the sparkling, glittering scenes we see in the Target and Wal-Mart ads. It’s fraught with emotions and worries that wise women sometimes swallow for the sake of family and community. 

The women interviewed were honest and forthcoming. Some respondents were quick to answer with sharp, witty replies. Others really gave a lot of thought. Tears accompanied some responses. The answers, like some others in the interview and survey, easily fit into categories of wishes. 

In last week’s blog, family ranked second in priority to the question “what’s the best part of your life today.” This week, family ranked number one on the Christmas wish list involving 48% of the answers.  

Making quality time a priority plays a huge part in some families. Some of their wishes are here:

• Loretta has a close-knit family who all live in relative proximity, but she is often disheartened because of the difficulties pulling everyone together for a family event. Her children’s work and grandchildren’s activities make scheduling problematic, and she feels that her children don’t see family gatherings as a priority. 
• Dianna, a single mom with two adult daughters yearns to be a priority to her daughter’s time as well. She sometimes feels left out of her children’s lives. Her Christmas wish is for more quality time with her girls. 
•  Paula has children and grandchildren scattered from east to west coast. Fortunately, she gets to travel often to visit them, but her wish is to be together with them for Christmas. 
• Dina, Mimi, and Dee Dee all wished for a week of family vacation. 
•  Dorie’s eight children and seven grandchildren all live in close proximity but getting all together is a futile wish. Her Christmas request is simply for a picture of all of them together. 
• June makes several “tour de Grandma” trips to the Midwest and Texas from Pennsylvania each year. She just wants her grandchildren’s kisses for Christmas.

Several Christmas wishes for family focused on difficult issues.  Lynn wished for a large sum of money, not for herself, but to help her kids get out of debt. 

A Christmas wish particularly touching came from Sandy. She hasn’t heard from her son for several years. She doesn’t know where he is and is unclear why he has estranged himself from her, but her wish was to hear from him or see him. I know that family estrangement is much more common than many people think. This issue has touched my own family. Pastoral Counselor, Patricia Jones of Dove Christian Counseling says there is …”a hidden epidemic of this phenomena going on in America…” Estrangement of a parent by a child is devastating because, as parents, we often blame ourselves. We feel uncomfortable discussing it with others on the “outside.” The heartache affects almost every aspect of life, and holidays bring a different set of pain and despair. For more insight into family estrangement, look at Dove Christian Counseling webpage on estranged adult children. If you’re the parent of an estranged child, you may find some comfort and understanding there. 

Indulgences took 24% of Christmas wishes. A new car, a condo on the beach, a new kitchen…if only! Connie had an interesting wish; she asked for art supplies for life!

Health took 12% of the responses as many wished for good health for themselves and their families. Gina’s Christmas wish particularly touching as she asked Santa for new organs. She suffers from liver disease and a multitude of other health issues related to it. She will eventually need a liver transplant. 

Financial wishes and world issues each garnered 8% of responses. Laura, in particular, is single, never married. She saved faithfully only to lose much in stock-market losses over the past decade. She’s making a living, but would like to have financial security and particularly her own home. Rose, who has earned her wise woman status through much suffering asked only for world peace.

As Wise Women of Age we have a lifetime of experience to help us figure out what’s important to us. So what is your Christmas wish? If you could have anything you wanted, what would that be? We welcome your input and invite you to share your thoughts. As we share, we serve as wise women mentors to the younger generations. Your input might shed light on her decisions and choices.

Do you find the conversation interesting and thought-provoking? Don’t keep it a secret. Share it with your friends. Wisewomenofage.blogspot.com     

Through compassion, you will find that all human beings are just like you. - Dalai Lama