I saw this “cartoon” on Facebook recently. I don’t know
where it originally came from, so I can’t give proper credit to the humorist who
developed it, but it reminded me of something that happened about 25 years ago.
My husband and I had just married about two years before this
occasion. I certainly didn’t consider myself a newlywed because I’d weathered
marital difficulties previously in what I call “my former life,” but it was in
something I will never forget.
I worked for a small family-run business. It reminded me of
the Ewing family from the old Dallas series. The patriarch had passed away,
leaving the matriarch to preside over her three squabbling sons who
consistently jockeyed for priority, attention, and authority within the business.
Only three of us in the office were not related to the family: the accountant,
the receptionist, and me. At least that was the situation at the beginning of
this story.
The receptionist was a gorgeous red-haired young woman. I’ll
call her Diana (names have been changed to protect the innocent). She was a
living doll, but unfortunately not one of the brightest bulbs in the box, as
some people say. I quietly marveled each day that she managed to accomplish the
simplest tasks. Nevertheless, she was beautiful!
That beauty caught the eye of most men who came to the office, but particularly
one of the grandsons, heretofore referred to us Rob. He immediately began
pursuit.
It didn’t take much to woo her. He was rich. She was not. She
dazzled with her beauty, he dazzled with his wealth. It wasn’t long until they
were married. Unlike most newlyweds of the era, they were immediately able to
move into a big farmhouse purchased by the family for the freshly-minted
couple.
Over lunch on the first day of Diana’s return to work after
the honeymoon, she shared with me that the evening before she had prepared
everything for Rob’s morning. She pressed his shirt, set out his shoes with
appropriately coordinating socks tucked into them, and laid out his wardrobe
for the day. She was up at dawn, dressed, and put on full make-up and hair for
herself. In his bathroom, she set his toiletries out, conveniently arranged for his convenience,
including the dispensing of the appropriate dollop of toothpaste on his
toothbrush (lest he have to do it for himself). Then she went downstairs and
prepared a massive breakfast for him.
I listened to these details with an escalating sense of
alarm, then asked the question for which I needed to know the answer, “What did
he do for you?” She was startled by the question and sat quietly and wide-eyed
for a few seconds, finally answering “nothing.” She startled pedaling backwards
with statements about how happy she was to do everything for him and it was her
duty as a wife to do all she could.
Being a wise woman, even 25 years ago, I felt compelled to
advise her that this was not a good way to start a marriage. Yes, a marriage is
about taking care of each other (the key phrase is “each other”). However, when
one partner does all the giving and the other days all the taking, someone
spends more time sitting on the downside of the see-saw while someone else
spends more time up on top.
Diana listened with closed ears. Of course she was still
basking in the glow of new love, wealth, the first real house she ever
lived in, and becoming a authentic, diamond-ring wearing wife. On the other
hand, Rob knew a good thing when he married it; a young, impressionable lady
that he could contour to his own standards of adoring him. He quickly became
the king of the marriage. She quickly became the lowly servant.
Just a few months later, Diana failed to show up for work. She
absconded during the night with only a suitcase of clothes. It
seems that Rob’s demands quickly overshadowed her willingness to serve.
I’m not a marriage expert, that’s for sure. I’ve had my own
hits and misses. However, this I do know for sure - marriage is giving and
taking, up and down, back and forth, listening and hearing, caring and sharing.
Loyalty and devotion need to hang tough through stock market drops,
unemployment, illness and injury, demands of children, loss of children, or the inability to have
children. Beauty doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. A big diamond ring
doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. A big wedding doesn’t make a marriage.
It takes work.
Back in the 60’s, singer Don Covey had a hit record titled See-Saw. Some of the lyrics go like this
“Your love is like a see-saw, baby. First it's up and then it's down.” You must
give of yourself when you love someone, but you don’t need to give yourself
away. Strive for a balance. Keep the see-saw level. If each partner in the marriage carries their own weight, the see-saw stays equalized.
My husband’s blessed mother was a beautiful and kind and wise woman.
When we told her we were getting married and asked her for wise advice, the only
thing she shared with us is “take care of each other.” We have.
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