What's the best part of your life today?

The interviews conducted for this Wise Woman project have been delightful and insightful. I’ve met and talked with women from New York to Nebraska and as far away as Africa regarding this stage of their lives. These women answered questions with honesty and candor, and more often than not, tears fell once or twice along the way. Participants’ responses regarding the interview questions have included adjectives like reflective, retrospective, and thought-provoking. 

Some of the questions posed were for statistic gathering; other questions required only one word answers. Some queries encouraged essay style responses. Some answers came quickly, others required some time to collect thoughts and form a solid response. Some questions were light-hearted; others required a dive into the soul to wrench out the reply.

We begin the first week’s post with notes from an upbeat question: What’s the best part of your life today? Please note that all names used in the Wise Women of Age blog are pseudonyms for the surveyed women.

Ninety-five percent of the responses boiled down to a few key words – family, freedom, and knowledge.

The joy of freedom took the highest percent reflecting about 45% of responses. Several types of freedom came into play. For some it was freedom from work. For others, their freedom came with financial success, fewer obligations, and an expansion of their time. 

Several women expressed their freedom from committed relationships. Dianna and Denise were both involved in long, difficult marriages and admit that they waited too long to end them. Dianna earned her freedom from her relationship about a dozen years ago, and reports that life on her own is empowering. Denise ended a forty-year marriage just recently. She reports a relief to be out of her situation. Both women admit that financial concerns worry them because of the income loss, but their independence makes their quality of life better. Dorie was divorced, widowed, and had a third relationship that didn’t end well. She now realizes the value of the non-committed life. Connie has never been married, and although she admits to sometimes being lonely, she still values her lifestyle as liberating.

Family was high in marks for 32% percent of interviewees. Gayle suffered the loss of her only two sons and a step-son through tragic circumstances. Rose lost her mother, husband, and son to deaths all within six months of each other. Winnie is a widow with no children, but places high value on friends as family substitutes. All suffered greatly with their losses and have a true appreciation for the worth of family.  

Carol is on her second marriage and has no children, but she’s happy to be with her present husband. Gina has only been in one long-time relationship in her life and that is with her husband. With one daughter and one granddaughter and know future of adding any more into the family, she values them deeply. Dee Dee is a lifelong stay-at-home mom with two sons and five grandchildren. Her life revolves around them, and they are her greatest joy.  

Eighteen percent of respondents recognize knowledge as the best part of their life. Not surprisingly, this percentage group includes some teachers and many life-long learners. Our PBS station had a phrase “stay curious” they used in advertising a few years ago. It reflects the way this percentile thinks of life. That’s phrase has always stuck with me. I use it myself in an effort to encourage my grandchildren to look beyond their horizon. These women grasped that concept early on.

June was a second career clergy (more like third or fourth career actually), but as her life evolved and opportunities presented themselves, she reached out and grabbed everything she could get. Sandy has always worked with children. In her retirement, she uses that skillset as a board member for child care agencies and for children’s ministries in her church. Denise says, “There’s a lot of opportunities still ahead of me,” and uses her knowledge in church ministries too. Nola is musically inclined. She’s also one of those crafty women that can take an ear of corn and turn it into a door hanging or centerpiece, sews clothing, cans and preserves her farm’s produce, runs a farm stand, is active in her church, and monitors the life of her independent Down Syndrome daughter. She states, “I know a lot of things. Being able to impart that knowledge is important. I like to teach and have the confidence to do that.”

In this blessed season of joy, what is the best part of YOUR life today? What the greatest thing about YOUR life today? Does it center on these big three: Freedom, Family, or Knowledge? Alternatively, is it “other”? If so, please share what that is. You can do that by entering your thoughts in the comments below. 

As a leader of many workshops and classes, I learn much from the students in the class by encouraging questions and comments. Do you have an issue or problem you would like to present? Please join us weekly for conversation, simple or thought provoking, as we talk about our lives going forward and learn together from each other. You can receive a notice of each fresh posting by subscribing by email in the top right hand corner. Did you join this conversation through Facebook and like it?  Then please click on "share" to let your friends know what you're reading too.

I look forward to hearing you. 

Through compassion, you will find that all human beings are just like you. - Dalai Lama

Welcome to the Conversation!

This is the year I turned 65. For the third and final time, I retired. 

Never one to sit around twiddling my thumbs, I started writing. Originally, I began research to write a fictionalized story of my mother’s difficult life. However, on the way to that story, I wrote an essay titled “65 is the New 45” as part of my writing class. You can read that essay below, posted on November 30th.  

Through that essay, another door has opened for me, as I’ve been encouraged to turn this essay into a book.  To that end, at the suggestion of some writing mentors, I posted the Boomer Babes Lifestyle Survey a few months ago. With the help of my friends, I cast a wide web. One hundred and thirty women answered the Survey to date. Of those 138, more than 30 opted to be available for personal interviews. Each interview generated reflection and soul-searching. Many had tearful moments as we shared our life experiences and joys.

This is an exciting and eye-opening endeavor. The more I build this project, the more I believe many women would enjoy coming along for the ride. 

With this blog, I’m offering all of you Wise Women of Age, to join the conversation. Each week, I’ll open up a subject and we can share our thoughts and opinions with one another. I’ll also be imparting stories appropriate for the week’s subject from the women interviewed as we go along.  For those of you who have interviewed, let’s see if you recognize yourself! 

In Rwanda, citizens honor, respect, and refer to elders as the “Gray Hairs” (literally). So come on, all you Gray Hairs, all you Wise Women. We have so much that we know and we shouldn’t keep it to ourselves. Chime in and comment, tell your friends. Let’s move through the next chapter of our lives together.  

65 is the New 45

Creeping normality is a phrase coined by American scientist, Jared Diamond.  It refers to the way a change is accepted as the normal situation if it happens slowly over time.  If the same change occurred quickly, we may find the change unacceptable.           

A good example of this phenomenon is that I gained approximately five pounds a year for 15 years.

Five pounds doesn’t seem like much, but multiply that over many years and it certainly becomes obvious.  It was causing my body to age far faster than my mental faculties.  I couldn’t step up on a chair.  I couldn’t squat down and pick something up without getting help back up.  I was winded after the slightest exertion. Sleeping?  Forget it.  Between gastrointestinal discomfort and menopausal night sweats, a good night of sleep did not follow my husband’s goodnight kiss.

I tried many weight loss programs over the years.  Some were successful in the short term, but most often I lost more money than pounds.  If it had a gimmick, I was willing to try.   I tried low-carb, no-carb, bought the special food, vegetarian.  Sometimes I’d lose, but only to gain it back again.

In the spring of 2008, I was sitting in my doctor’s office as she prepared to write a prescription to treat another of the maladies I suffered as a result of my weight.  I was already being treated for three other ailments related my excess poundage.  She shook her head sadly and almost like pronouncing a death sentence she said, “You know, if you would just lose weight, you could be a healthy person.  You’re not getting any younger, and with your family history, it’s only a matter of time.” 

What do you mean, “a matter of time”? Time until what? Was time running out for me?

This was the year I would turn 58.  My mother died at the age of 58, and my father suffered three heart attacks at the age of 58, finally succumbing to heart disease at the age of 62.  They both had three things in common: overweight, inactivity, and smoking.

To my credit, I had succeeded in shaking the smoking habit, but definitely was guilty of inactivity and being overweight. Yet here I was, at the same age of my mother’s death and I was in denial. 

In that moment, I said to my doctor, “I’ll make a deal with you.  If you don’t make me take more medicine, I promise, within 60 days I will whip myself into shape.”  The doctor smiled indulgently and we shook hands on my proposal.

That very day, I committed myself to two things: to walk five miles a day, and to lose weight.  I know that sounds extreme, but in our rural farm location, five miles was the size of my “block”, so once I left the front door, it was five miles back around again.

It was summertime, and moving my overweight body in the heat was sometimes torture.  There were walks when my feet would be so swollen, I’d have to untie my shoes to relieve the pressure.  But I kept at it. 

The same week I started walking, I joined a weight loss program that encouraged smart lifestyle choices and habits. I had tried the program before, with little success.  Honestly, it was because the first time I was being a weight-loss “pretender”.  With friends, I would demure the high-fat appetizers because I was “dieting”.  Secretly, I was eating peanut candy out of a 3-pound bag in my car. 

This time I had determination and the promise to my doctor on my side.  I attended the weight-loss meetings and played it straight.  I learned that a serving of mashed potatoes was not half a plate, and it wasn’t always how much I was eating, but making smart choices with what I did eat.  With perseverance and the changes I made in my eating habits, I started to notice subtle changes.  As the pounds came off, my agility and energy went up. 

Could this be my creeping normality working in reverse?

As promised, I returned to the doctor at the end of the 60 days, and was thrilled to find that I lost almost 20 pounds.  I was still committed to the five miles a day, but now I was running part of those miles.  The doctor was so pleased with my progress that she began to wean me off the blood pressure medicine I had taken for more than ten years. 

Time moved on and I stayed true to my word, eventually losing almost 50 pounds.  Ultimately, three years later, at the age of 61, I won my first 5K race in my age group.  Here today, in the year I turn 65, I am still active and at a great weight.  I am healthier at age 65 than I was when I was 45. 

The thing that has meant the most to me is the realization that weight loss is more than just poundage or a dress size.  It is also a commitment to your family and those you love.

My parents have been gone for more than 30 years, but I am still acutely aware of how much they have missed.  They didn’t see the grandchildren grow up or great-grandchildren.  They didn’t see my career successes, or share the excitement of my world-wide travels and experiences.  After all these years, I sometimes see mothers and daughters shopping or lunching together, and tears will come to me as I long for the relationship of family that was lost to me through their early deaths. As much as I loved my parents, I wish they loved themselves enough to take care of their own health and to be here for our family.

Your good health is not just about you.  It’s about those you love and those who love you. 

If you think taking care of yourself is not important to your family, I say this: take a clue from the flight attendant who demonstrates that you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others. 

If you take care of yourself, you can better care for those you love.  Your family will thank you.