Cigarette smoke floats in front of the viewfinder as the
movie camera records my three children entering the living room to see what
Santa has left under the tree for them. My grade-school daughters are in the
flannel granny gowns, gifts from me they opened the night before. My toddler son
is in a yellow footed sleeper. Despite the feet in his jammies, he excitedly
pulls on the cowboy boots that are under the tree for him, and begins kicking
his sisters with them. The camera pans the room, and there is my mother,
cigarette in hand, with a big smile on her face, watching the grandchildren she
adores. There’s my dad wearing his typical flannel shirt with pipe clenched
between his teeth. He’s smiling too. My husband (at the time) is silently admonishing
the son for kicking, and pointing here and there around the room. It’s a
wordless scene because our movie camera didn’t record sound. It appears that most
everyone was enjoying that Christmas morning.
It was the mid-seventies and that was our Christmas. We all
smoked back then. If camcorders existed then, we didn’t own one. We just had
our old movie camera. It never occurred to me as I was filming the scene that
morning that within five years both of my parents and marriage would all be deceased.
The film would be my only “moving” memory of my parents.
With my divorce began our tradition of having fractured
family Christmases. Back then and even now, schedules require juggling because
of parents/step-parents visitation arrangements. Holidays were tough then.
Money was tight. My parents were gone. I spent time wringing my hands, feeling
sorry for myself, and bemoaning my life. Elvis cut my heart out each time he
sang about “blue Christmas.”
It’s the next millennium. The Christmas promotion season
begins before the Thanksgiving turkey is on the table. For some of our wise women, the
3 “D”s (death, divorce, distance) and family estrangements will make the long
Christmas season not so merry and bright.
Looking over the statistics collected and notes from the
private interviews of the Boomer Babes Survey, 65% of respondents have lost their parents. If you shared holiday traditions
with your parents, it will seem particularly difficult. What do you do now? According
to *ComfortKeepers, “knowing what to do about family traditions is one of the hardest
things people face after the death of a loved one. Don't be afraid to tell
family members that certain traditions will be too hard. Plan to do only what
is special and meaningful to you. Most people experiencing grief during the
holidays do find creating some new tradition to honor a loved one helps.”
Losses through death are devastating, but particularly when
children are involved. Six percent of
those who answered the survey have lost children. A few have shared their
personal stories.
Gayle has lost two sons and a stepson. She grieves them all every day. A second
particularly touching story is that of Rose. I’ve mentioned her in another blog
posts because her story is so remarkable. Like the biblical Job, Rose suffered
loss after loss. Within six months of each other, Rose lost her mother, her
only son, and her husband. It is a heart-breaking burden to tolerate, but Rose
soldiers on with support of friends, and the love of her daughter and
grandchildren. I stand in awe of her grace and her faith.
Marital status can color your Christmas too. Divorce has claimed 13% of those who
answered; separation claims 1%; widowhood accounts for 8%; and 6% are single, and never been married.
Family estrangements add a whole other dimension to
holidays as empty chairs speak loudly for the person who isn’t there, and
loyalties divide family members.
Geographical obstacles coupled with a tight economy and
high traveling costs can cut family members out of holiday celebrations too.
My first “divorced” Christmas alone with no spouse or parents
presented its own challenges as I struggled alone to bring a live tree up three
flights of steps to my apartment. I never knew Christmas trees were so unwieldy.
My ex-husband was always responsible for the tree. For some reason, I felt it was
particularly important that year to have a live tree. I suppose I was
trying to maintain the live-tree tradition for the sake of the kids. I sat alone in the glow of the tree’s
lights that Christmas Eve slugging down hot chocolate laced with amaretto while
the kids were visiting their father’s family. Yes, you can add “loneliness” to
the list.
If you are one of the wise women that fit into the
statistics covered here, please know that I don’t want to be a “downer.” None
of us can ever say “we know how you feel,” because everyone feels something
different. Some people find that simply accepting the fact that the holiday
season will be hard and painful provides more strength to cope. By being one of
our “wise women,” I assure you a sorority surrounds you that are here to
comfort and care for you.
Here are a few suggestions for changing your Christmas from
blue to white:
- Lower your expectations of the holiday season.
- If death caused the absence of your loved one, develop a way to honor that person over the holiday.
- Accept that there will be emotional triggers and decide ahead of time how you’ll deal with them.
- Make new traditions or revise the old ones.
- You may be lonely, but don’t be alone. Make plans. Find ways to fill the most stressful times like Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.
- Attend worship services. You may find comfort there.
- Stay connected with friends. Grief and loneliness can drive us into isolation.
·
Losses are a part of life. Those of us who have
lost loved ones or must experience the holidays alone will have no choice but
to experience and express sadness this holiday season. But I want to share how our wise women answered question #30 during their personal interviews. When asked, “How
much control do you have over the bad or unpleasant things that happen to you,”
many responded similarly by saying that you cannot control what happens, but
you can control how you react to bad
things. That response strikes me as especially wise. If I had known then what
I know now, I could have/would have reacted differently. As they say, hindsight
is 20/20.
You can honor your grief and loss with dignity and grace, and still
have a blessed Christmas holiday. So please don’t let Elvis drag you down with his blue
Christmas. Let Bing Crosby whistle his way into your holiday so that your days may
be merry and bright, and all your Christmases be white.
If you know someone who may benefit from this article,
please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com
*http://www.comfortkeepers.com - Seniors And Grief Coping With Loss
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