President’s Day is coming up. We’re going to see more
commercials integrating Washington and Lincoln into their message. Over the
next week, you’ll probably hear Washington’s one-liner, “I cannot tell a lie”
more than once.
We would all like to think we are not liars. I’m sure we all
try NOT to be liars. However, sometimes we tell lies with our actions, not
words.
Here’s a good example that is a true story. I know of a
woman who I admire and respect. Despite many good qualities, I consider her an
indiscriminate spender. Impulse purchases, a brightly colored sales flier, deep
discounts, and coupons are triggers that make her reach into her wallet with
little consideration of spending. She knows her frugal husband will chastise
her lack of impulse control, so she discards the packaging or bags, smuggles
the purchase in, and hides them for a week or two. When she appears with a new
sweater or pair of shoes, she hopes her husband won’t notice. If he does,
however, she just says, “What? You mean this old thing? I’ve had it for a
while.” If she must confess to the purchase, she will downplay the cost,
invariably stating it was cheaper than it actually was. It may seem like a
harmless ruse, but it’s a matter of trust.
When my husband and I married, I had struggled for years
trying to stay afloat as a single mom. I didn’t have a lot of debt (because I
had very little money), but I was behind on some utilities, and had a tax issue
that needed to be cleaned up. I am grateful that he was not judgmental of my
financial hardships. He knew I was doing the best I could with what I had to
work with at the time. Together, we worked to get a smooth financial merger
worked out. We do not keep separate accounts. All of our finances except 401Ks
are joint ventures. I have never felt the need to lie about a purchase or any
financial issues during our marriage. I used to handle all of our finances
until he retired, and since then he’s taken that responsibility, and truly
manages it better than I did. We don’t always agree on spending, but it works
for us.
It may not be secret or overspending alone. The Financial Infidelity Poll by Credit
Cards.com reveals that of the 843 adults in relations that 6% of the
participants had a secret bank account or credit cards. NBC
reports 7.2 million Americans commit financial infidelity.
Secret Spending, an article by Chris Russell for CNN, suggests, “If you feel like
you have to hide spending,
that needs to be fixed immediately. Why are you concealing? Is there an
addiction, or are you afraid of your spouse, or does someone just not care
about the money? All of those are partnership poison.”
Women are often the butt of many comedians and jokes about
their sly shopping habits. It may sound funny on the Tonight Show, but in real
life there’s nothing funny about it. It’s not just women either. The Financial Infidelity Poll also reveals that twenty-six percent of men
have spent more than $500 without notifying their partner. However, I don’t particularly write this blog
with men in mind, so I am focusing on you, the woman. I want you to “own” your
title of wise woman by doing the right thing.
The revelation of secret spending or secret account can do
as much damage to a marriage or relationship as marital infidelity. Here’s
something that is frightening. Professor Jeffrey Dew at Utah State University looked
at responses from about 2,800 couples surveyed in 1987 by the National Survey
of Families and Households. Findings indicate that couples who argue
regularly about finances are more than 30% likely to divorce.
Is your partner suspicious of your secret spending? Has
your partner caught you red-handed hiding or in an over-spending cover-up that
caused an argument?
If you’re a secret spender, perhaps this coming Valentine
Day is the perfect opportunity to show the love and give your partner the gift of
honesty and trust.
Pour a few glasses of wine, hand one to your partner, and suggest
you want to play True Confession. Explain that in the past you have hidden
purchases/used a secret credit card/hid credit card bills…you can fill in the
blank with whatever crime of financial infidelity you’ve committed. Apologize,
and let him know your conscience needs clearing for the good of your
relationship. Be prepared for some anger or cynicism, but reiterate you’re
sincerity to follow the straight and narrow, and ask him for his support. Will
your partner be so upset at your confession that they will leave you? Probably
not. However, you run a greater risk by continuing your path of dishonesty.
Once you’ve confessed, ask him how you can work together to
avoid deceptive practices in your relationship.Here are 8 tips to a clear conscience:
- Once you admit your financial infidelity, you must work to regain the trust of your partner. Remember, they may be suffering a sense of betrayal just as deep as a death. If your spending was already an issue that caused arguments, you need to make a true commitment to work towards full disclosure. Things won’t get better overnight, but keep the momentum going from this point forward.
- Review your financial health together. Sometimes in couples, the one who does not manage the family finances chooses to remain in the dark (the old ignorance is bliss attitude). Perhaps you’re hiding your spending because you know the budget really can’t handle the expense. If that’s the case, you’re only fooling yourself. Remember, you’re in this relationship together. You should both be working for your financial stability as a family.
- Unless your family is truly cash-strapped, there’s no need to explain every purchase. Decide on a modest dollar amount every week or payday for each of you for “unjustified” spending. Whether it’s a Starbucks or a $10 magazine, you won’t have to hide it or explain it.
- Decide on a dollar limit of purchases that require consultation with your partner. Perhaps a $50, $100, or $500 limit? It depends on your financial comfort level.
- If you feel the need to keep a separate account or credit card for yourself, explain why. Remember, you’re building trust.
- Do you need help to curb your spending habits? If so, admit it. Talk together how you can get things reigned in.
- Are you spending or hiding money to punish your partner for some marital infraction? Perhaps you need marriage counseling more than financial counseling.
- Don’t argue about past infractions. Remember it’s all about honesty…from this point forward.
I saw a quote once that said “There are four very important words in life: love, honesty, truth, and respect. Without these in your life, you have nothing.” So begin now to earn the respect of the one you love with your honesty and truth. Give your relationship the best Valentine gift ever.
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