Back in December, I had lunch with one of our wise women
who became a widow a few years ago. My jaw dropped when she shared with me that
she had joined a dating site. A Groupon offer for a big discount motivated her,
so she signed up for membership. This kind of action was so out of character
for her that I had to know why she decided to do it. She explained that
although her marriage had been a long and fulfilling one, what she wanted most
in widowhood was companionship. Although she has many friends, she missed the
things she and her husband used to do, like theater and sporting events.
I wished her my best in the endeavor, but as we parted from
our lunch date, her words weighed on my mind. I thought about my own father,
widower at 60. To my chagrin, he started dating within six months of my mother’s
death. When I asked him why, he explained it this way, “When you’ve been
married for 37 years, it’s hard not to be married.”
That remembrance brought to mind one of my favorite albums
of all time, Willie Nelson’s Stardust
album. Stardust is the only music I have owned in three different mediums. I
bought it the first time in 1982 as a vinyl LP, the second time as a cassette,
and the third time as a CD. Willie gently croons the old standards that I heard
my mother singing as I was growing up. My favorite song on the album
is the title cut, Stardust. My second
favorite tune is September Song. It’s
a wistful tune of a late-in-life love affair. The lyrics melt my heart and
leave a lump in my throat.
To hear this beautiful song, click here for a You Tube edition. The
opening lyrics go like this:
Oh, it's a long, long while
From May to December
But the days grow short
When you reach September
From May to December
But the days grow short
When you reach September
When the autumn weather
Turns leaves to flame
One hasn't got time
For the waiting game
Turns leaves to flame
One hasn't got time
For the waiting game
A few weeks later, I met with another group of wise women,
and shared that my 65-year old widowed friend had registered on dating site.
There was a collective gasp. Ironically, no one was shocked because she made
such a bold move. As the conversation unrolled, it was all about our own
self-esteem and our own insecurities. I heard comments like, “How do you know
when it’s time to start dating again?” “What if sex is involved?” “I don’t want
to undress in front of anyone else.” “I’m overweight. Who would want me?” and
“What if you don’t like your date? How do you get rid of them?”
All of these are legitimate questions and concerns. Looking
over the data collected in the Boomer Babes Lifetime Survey, approximately 25%
of our women are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. Just because they’re
in the September of their life, does that mean they should never love again? I
think not.
I wondered to myself, “If I wanted to date again, after all
these years, how would I begin?” Here are just a few tips that I’ve found while
researching this:
- Be honest when completing the questionnaire. Don’t put what you think the right answer should be. Put your true response.
- Stick with sites that have good reputations. Try this list of the Top Ten Senior Dating Sites.
- Gather as much information as you can before striking out there. As always, AARP is looking out for us. They have a huge amount of information. Check it out at Find Love in the New Year on their website.
So now you found a potential match from the dating site, or
a friend sets you up on a blind date. Willie's already told you that you don't have time "for the waiting game." Here’s some “Dating Dozen" advice from this wise woman regarding your potential
date candidate and how to proceed:
- Make your first meeting in the daytime and at a public place. I’ve seen enough Criminal Minds episodes to know not to get caught in a solitary place. Better err on the side of caution until you have a better grasp of his personality.
- Drive your own car to the date. Don’t get into a car alone with the date until you have several successful dates and know him better.
- My mother always said, “Never marry a man that doesn’t dance.” If you’re out to have fun, make sure his idea of fun and your idea of fun are the same. If his is hockey and yours is symphony, choosing date venues may get tricky.
- Another thing my mother always said was “does he have a (financial) portfolio?” Yes, you may want to go “Dutch” on the first date or two, but don’t pay for gas, or lend him money. We’re too late in life to try to recoup any financial losses to a deadbeat lover.
- Don’t spill your life story on the first date. Your divorce was bitter, your husband’s death was long and painful, your ex-mother-in-law hated you, and your son is on probation. Those subjects don’t make good first date conversation starters.
- People like people like themselves. Steer your conversation toward ferreting out common denominators whether it’s career, hobbies, number of cats, or number of grandchildren.
- Once you know him better, invite him to family functions. How does he interact with your adult children or grandchildren?
- Does your dog like him? Our pets sometimes have a second sense we don’t pick up on.
- How does he treat his mother or the other women in his life? If he is surrounded by close and loving women, that’s an indicator that he will be respectful of you.
- One date does not a relationship make. You may be getting a late start, but long-lasting relationships take a while to build. Don’t rush.
- Sex? Hmmm. If you won’t belch up a beer in front of him, are you willing to take your clothes off in front of him? Know him well before you take that (giant) step.
- If your kids like him, if your friends like him, if your neighbors like him, if your dog and/or cat like him, if he’s not borrowed money from you, if you don’t find duct tape and a Taser in the glove compartment of his car, you can probably feel safe in moving forward.
The September of your life is not too late to find love.
Mark Twain says in his Eve’s Diary,
“Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes--none knows
whence--and cannot explain itself.”
You have a lifetime of accumulated experience at reading
people. You’ve screened your daughter’s and son’s dates, and maybe by now,
you’ve even put the stamp of approval on your grandchildren’s dates. Trust your
instincts.
Be smart. Be safe. I wish you love.
If you know someone who may enjoy this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com .
To purchase a copy of the Stardust album: Click here
If you know someone who may enjoy this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com .
To purchase a copy of the Stardust album: Click here
September Song Details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_Song
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