Goodbye February – Hello March!

February is finally over! I admit I’m not sorry to see this month go. Here in Pennsylvania, our temperatures hovered around 0^o on many days. 

The good news is that birds are beginning to sing in the morning, and next Sunday, March 8 begins Eastern Daylight Savings Time. Whooo-hoooo! The following day, I will be going to Florida for a week. Whooo-hooo!

It’s been a great month on the Wise Women of Age blog. Readership increases with every month. For me, that’s a sign that you wise women relate to what I write about. 

In case you missed them, here is your chance to catch up on this month’s subjects, ranked by readership. Click on any hot link to go directly to that blog:

Through a Mother’s Eyes – A story for those of faith about  the crucifixion and a mother's love,

thoughts about this holy Christian season of Lent, and the crucifixion through the eyes of a mother and how it relates to us. 

Here Comes the Sun – Just Not Soon Enough – Winter makes me SAD. I mean SAD as in Seasonal Affective Disorder. Could you be suffering from it too? I give you my take on it in this blog,

So Many Books, So Little Time - Winter is my time for reading, and I read A LOT! I read concurrently, and will often be working through a novel, some kind of non-fiction “how to” book, doing a Bible study, and my pile of periodicals to peruse. Nothing is better on a snowy winter afternoon than to nestle under the cuddle blanket my granddaughter made for me with my dog, a cup of tea, and a good book. In this blog, I share with you the titles of some of my favorite books of this month. 

Punxsutawney Phil –Up Close and Personal  -  Here’s a little known fact about me: Punxsutawney Phil and I are BFFs. Groundhog Day means more to me than the lore of a rodent's shadow. It’s a turning point in my life. Read this blog to get the rest of the story.

Secret Spending – I Cannot Tell a Lie -  We would all like to think we are not liars. I’m sure we all try NOT to be liars. However, sometimes we tell lies with our actions, not words. Secret spending and financial infidelity are destructive in relationships. If you’re committing financial offenses, you need to read this blog.

You Gotta Have Friends – Did you know that interaction with your coffee shop gang could add two and half years to your life? Check out this blog to get the story.  

Senior Dating: Advice from Me and Willie Nelson -Widowed, divorced, separated, or single? Are you interested in dating in the September of your life? Do you know someone who is? Where to begin? In this February month of all things Valentine related, we will look at searching for love in the second half of our lives. Willie Nelson and I have some advice to help you out.

Heart of My Heart – Women and Heart Disease – What You Need to Know - 69% of women don't know that heart disease is the #1 killer of women. Do you know your risks? Do you know that women’s symptoms of a heart attack are different than men’s symptoms? Read this blog for information to put you in the know. You owe it to those you love.

Round, Round, Ready, Touch – The Death of Penmanship –  Penmanship is disappearing in school. I remember making rocker and rainbow motions. I remember “round, round, ready-touch” as we oval-ed our full-motion arms across the pre-lined practice papers.

Think about those love letters your husband wrote, your mother’s recipe cards, and the Mother’s Day cards your kids made for you. Aren’t they a treasure? Where would we be if the signers of the Declaration of Independence couldn’t sign their names?

We need to keep penmanship alive. Hear me out in this blog.

There you have it. I’m looking forward to hearing more from my readers. Your comments are often the spark that generates this blog. So keep them coming!

If you know someone who benefit or enjoy this blog, please forward it to them.

Secret Spending – I Cannot Tell a Lie

President’s Day is coming up. We’re going to see more commercials integrating Washington and Lincoln into their message. Over the next week, you’ll probably hear Washington’s one-liner, “I cannot tell a lie” more than once.

We would all like to think we are not liars. I’m sure we all try NOT to be liars. However, sometimes we tell lies with our actions, not words.

Here’s a good example that is a true story. I know of a woman who I admire and respect. Despite many good qualities, I consider her an indiscriminate spender. Impulse purchases, a brightly colored sales flier, deep discounts, and coupons are triggers that make her reach into her wallet with little consideration of spending. She knows her frugal husband will chastise her lack of impulse control, so she discards the packaging or bags, smuggles the purchase in, and hides them for a week or two. When she appears with a new sweater or pair of shoes, she hopes her husband won’t notice. If he does, however, she just says, “What? You mean this old thing? I’ve had it for a while.” If she must confess to the purchase, she will downplay the cost, invariably stating it was cheaper than it actually was. It may seem like a harmless ruse, but it’s a matter of trust.

When my husband and I married, I had struggled for years trying to stay afloat as a single mom. I didn’t have a lot of debt (because I had very little money), but I was behind on some utilities, and had a tax issue that needed to be cleaned up. I am grateful that he was not judgmental of my financial hardships. He knew I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. Together, we worked to get a smooth financial merger worked out. We do not keep separate accounts. All of our finances except 401Ks are joint ventures. I have never felt the need to lie about a purchase or any financial issues during our marriage. I used to handle all of our finances until he retired, and since then he’s taken that responsibility, and truly manages it better than I did. We don’t always agree on spending, but it works for us.

It may not be secret or overspending alone. The Financial Infidelity Poll by Credit Cards.com reveals that of the 843 adults in relations that 6% of the participants had a secret bank account or credit cards. NBC reports 7.2 million Americans commit financial infidelity.  

Secret Spending, an article by Chris Russell for CNN, suggests, “If you feel like you have to hide spending, that needs to be fixed immediately. Why are you concealing? Is there an addiction, or are you afraid of your spouse, or does someone just not care about the money? All of those are partnership poison.”

Women are often the butt of many comedians and jokes about their sly shopping habits. It may sound funny on the Tonight Show, but in real life there’s nothing funny about it. It’s not just women either. The Financial Infidelity Poll  also reveals that twenty-six percent of men have spent more than $500 without notifying their partner. However, I don’t particularly write this blog with men in mind, so I am focusing on you, the woman. I want you to “own” your title of wise woman by doing the right thing.

The revelation of secret spending or secret account can do as much damage to a marriage or relationship as marital infidelity. Here’s something that is frightening. Professor Jeffrey Dew at Utah State University looked at responses from about 2,800 couples surveyed in 1987 by the National Survey of Families and Households. Findings indicate that couples who argue regularly about finances are more than 30% likely to divorce.

Is your partner suspicious of your secret spending? Has your partner caught you red-handed hiding or in an over-spending cover-up that caused an argument?

If you’re a secret spender, perhaps this coming Valentine Day is the perfect opportunity to show the love and give your partner the gift of honesty and trust. 

Pour a few glasses of wine, hand one to your partner, and suggest you want to play True Confession. Explain that in the past you have hidden purchases/used a secret credit card/hid credit card bills…you can fill in the blank with whatever crime of financial infidelity you’ve committed. Apologize, and let him know your conscience needs clearing for the good of your relationship. Be prepared for some anger or cynicism, but reiterate you’re sincerity to follow the straight and narrow, and ask him for his support. Will your partner be so upset at your confession that they will leave you? Probably not. However, you run a greater risk by continuing your path of dishonesty. 

Once you’ve confessed, ask him how you can work together to avoid deceptive practices in your relationship.Here are 8 tips to a clear conscience:

1. Once you admit your financial infidelity, you must work to regain the trust of your partner. Remember, they may be suffering a sense of betrayal just as deep as a death. If your spending was already an issue that caused arguments, you need to make a true commitment to work towards full disclosure. Things won’t get better overnight, but keep the momentum going from this point forward.
2. Review your financial health together. Sometimes in couples, the one who does not manage the family finances chooses to remain in the dark (the old ignorance is bliss attitude). Perhaps you’re hiding your spending because you know the budget really can’t handle the expense. If that’s the case, you’re only fooling yourself. Remember, you’re in this relationship together. You should both be working for your financial stability as a family.
3. Unless your family is truly cash-strapped, there’s no need to explain every purchase. Decide on a modest dollar amount every week or payday for each of you for “unjustified” spending. Whether it’s a Starbucks or a $10 magazine, you won’t have to hide it or explain it.
4. Decide on a dollar limit of purchases that require consultation with your partner. Perhaps a $50, $100, or $500 limit? It depends on your financial comfort level.
5. If you feel the need to keep a separate account or credit card for yourself, explain why. Remember, you’re building trust.
6. Do you need help to curb your spending habits? If so, admit it. Talk together how you can get things reigned in.
7. Are you spending or hiding money to punish your partner for some marital infraction? Perhaps you need marriage counseling more than financial counseling.
8. Don’t argue about past infractions. Remember it’s all about honesty…from this point forward.

I saw a quote once that said “There are four very important words in life: love, honesty, truth, and respect. Without these in your life, you have nothing.” So begin now to earn the respect of the one you love with your honesty and truth. Give your relationship the best Valentine gift ever.

If you know someone who may enjoy this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com