You Gotta Have Friends

We should all be thankful for
those who rekindle the inner spirit-
Albert Schweitzer

You see it every morning at McDonald's, Wendy’s, Starbucks,  local coffee shops, and mom and pop establishments. There they are a group of retirees, sometimes all men, sometimes mixed, all with one thing in common. They are there for the 3 Cs that many retirees look for in social gatherings: Coffee, Company, and Conversation. What these retirees may not realize is that there is an important health benefit that gets served up with that morning cup a’ Joe. 

Let me share a story I read on the AARP website about social interaction. A daughter began to notice changes in her mother after her father died. Mom had previously been active, but now as a widow, she began skipping churches, stopped caring for her appearance, and taking on a disheveled demeanor. As she spent more and more time alone, she started to be confused about what day of the week it was, and even began to forget to eat meals. Her situation deteriorated to the point that the daughter plucked mom from her Pittsburgh home where she seldom left the house, and brought her to Nevada and a large facility near her home, where Mom had a multitude of social activities and peers with which to interact. Within a month her grooming improved dramatically, she started playing bridge and walking three miles a day. Her daughter claimed it was like the clock was turning back several years.

No one is sure why, but researchers are looking at what happens in the brain to people as they engage in social activity. They believe these interactions are beneficial to memory and our cognitive functions as we age.  

I authored the Boomer Babes Lifestyle Survey last fall to women over 50.  The average age of the 140 responding women responding is 62.

When asked their working status:

• 34% still worked a full-time job
• 22% still worked part-time job 
•  41% were retired or not working 
•  3% did not answer the work status question

With 41% retired or not working, the question is how do you stay interactive with others, especially if you are living alone? When I inquired, “How many close friends do you have?” Respondents answered with an average number of 6 close friends. 

Another query regarding social interaction is “how many times a week do you socialize?” The answer average for that question was 4. These are great numbers. They indicate that my peers are working at staying involved and vital. 

The two oldest to participate in the Boomer Babes Lifestyle survey are 84 and 88 years old respectively. Both women are dynamos. Both are widowed. 

Arlene was in her mid-60s when she went to the Congo to serve in a refugee camp immediately after the Rwandan genocide. Here she is 20 years later living in Rwanda where after establishing the Hope Made Real Foundation and the Urukundo Village. She fills her days by overseeing a large staff for the children, schools, health facilities, and the skill and revenue-generating shops related to the village.  

At 88, a woman I will call Winnie, has a schedule that would make the youngest woman weary. Her ministries with her church, book clubs, volunteering and support groups keep her hustling. In response to the question, “What makes you the woman you are today?” she answered, “I’m a positive thinker, and take advantage of opportunities.” Her mantra for her life is “seize the moment.” That doesn’t surprise me. She has wonderful friends and a great support system through her church. It’s a full life for her. 

Both of these women know how vital it is to keep active. Their commitments to their interests and ministries keep them motivated. 

I am 65 and retired for real last August. For me, retirement means I am not obligated to go to a paid job. Without day-to-day structure the days tend to blur together. I have to admit that each morning, I mentally confirm to myself the day of the week. The only time a date is important to me is if I have an appointment. 

Just because I don’t go to an office doesn’t mean I’m stagnating. I don’t linger around in my pajamas, but after a cup of coffee, I “put on my face,” and my husband and I walk our dog, rain or shine. We are a regular fixture in our neighborhood by which our neighbors can set their clocks.

We are part of small group that gathers at Café Kolache in our little town of Beaver, Pennsylvania. We meet at 8:00 a.m., and usually coffee and chit-chat until close to 9:00. Ironically, some of us were not friends when we started going there, but because we are regulars each morning in the same place, conversations began taking place over table tops, and soon we were inviting each other to join in the conversation.  

One of the members of our group is in his 80's. He works as an accountant 3 hours a day, 4 days a week for a local water authority. Another member of the group is 62 and stepping into retirement a little bit at a time. She still goes to help at their family business several times a week. Each day at the Café we keep up on local events, general news, reminisce about our lives, and share information. Thank goodness for smart phones! Each time we can’t remember an event or need more information, someone says, “Let’s Google that!” For us, this interactive time provides enthusiastic conversation and good companionship.

Time spent with others is a strong motivator and stimulant. We need to stay connected to stay vital. Studies show that older adults who like to eat out, go to movies and take part in other social activities live an average of two and a half years longer than people who spend most of their time alone. This just proves that people DO need people. 

Tomorrow morning, why not put on your walking shoes, bundle up, and take a stroll to your local coffee shop? Get a cup of coffee and look around. Smile at others. Be accessible. Start adding that extra two and a half years to your life!

I love this quote by Albert Schweitzer that sums it up perfectly, “In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

Do you know someone that will benefit from this information? You can share it on Facebook or Twitter or by email by clicking below.

For more information:

http://www.aarp.org/health/brain-health/info-11-2008/friends-are-good-for-your-brain.html

http://hopemadereal.org/

 www.cafekolache.com

 https://www.google.com/

Senior Dating: Advice from Me and Willie Nelson

Back in December, I had lunch with one of our wise women who became a widow a few years ago. My jaw dropped when she shared with me that she had joined a dating site. A Groupon offer for a big discount motivated her, so she signed up for membership. This kind of action was so out of character for her that I had to know why she decided to do it. She explained that although her marriage had been a long and fulfilling one, what she wanted most in widowhood was companionship. Although she has many friends, she missed the things she and her husband used to do, like theater and sporting events.

I wished her my best in the endeavor, but as we parted from our lunch date, her words weighed on my mind. I thought about my own father, widower at 60. To my chagrin, he started dating within six months of my mother’s death. When I asked him why, he explained it this way, “When you’ve been married for 37 years, it’s hard not to be married.”

That remembrance brought to mind one of my favorite albums of all time, Willie Nelson’s Stardust album. Stardust is the only music I have owned in three different mediums. I bought it the first time in 1982 as a vinyl LP, the second time as a cassette, and the third time as a CD. Willie gently croons the old standards that I heard my mother singing as I was growing up. My favorite song on the album is the title cut, Stardust. My second favorite tune is September Song. It’s a wistful tune of a late-in-life love affair. The lyrics melt my heart and leave a lump in my throat. 

To hear this beautiful song, click here for a You Tube edition. The opening lyrics go like this:

Oh, it's a long, long while
From May to December
But the days grow short
When you reach September

When the autumn weather
Turns leaves to flame
One hasn't got time
For the waiting game

A few weeks later, I met with another group of wise women, and shared that my 65-year old widowed friend had registered on dating site. There was a collective gasp. Ironically, no one was shocked because she made such a bold move. As the conversation unrolled, it was all about our own self-esteem and our own insecurities. I heard comments like, “How do you know when it’s time to start dating again?” “What if sex is involved?” “I don’t want to undress in front of anyone else.” “I’m overweight. Who would want me?” and “What if you don’t like your date? How do you get rid of them?”

All of these are legitimate questions and concerns. Looking over the data collected in the Boomer Babes Lifetime Survey, approximately 25% of our women are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. Just because they’re in the September of their life, does that mean they should never love again? I think not. 

I wondered to myself, “If I wanted to date again, after all these years, how would I begin?” Here are just a few tips that I’ve found while researching this:

• Be honest when completing the questionnaire. Don’t put what you think the right answer should be. Put your true response.
• Stick with sites that have good reputations. Try this list of the Top Ten Senior Dating Sites.
• Gather as much information as you can before striking out there. As always, AARP is looking out for us. They have a huge amount of information. Check it out at Find Love in the New Year on their website.

So now you found a potential match from the dating site, or a friend sets you up on a blind date. Willie's already told you that you don't have time "for the waiting game." Here’s some “Dating Dozen" advice from this wise woman regarding your potential date candidate and how to proceed:

1.  Make your first meeting in the daytime and at a public place. I’ve seen enough Criminal Minds episodes to know not to get caught in a solitary place. Better err on the side of caution until you have a better grasp of his personality. 
2.  Drive your own car to the date. Don’t get into a car alone with the date until you have several successful dates and know him better.
3.  My mother always said, “Never marry a man that doesn’t dance.” If you’re out to have fun, make sure his idea of fun and your idea of fun are the same. If his is hockey and yours is symphony, choosing date venues may get tricky.
4. Another thing my mother always said was “does he have a (financial) portfolio?” Yes, you may want to go “Dutch” on the first date or two, but don’t pay for gas, or lend him money. We’re too late in life to try to recoup any financial losses to a deadbeat lover.
5.   Don’t spill your life story on the first date. Your divorce was bitter, your husband’s death was long and painful, your ex-mother-in-law hated you, and your son is on probation. Those subjects don’t make good first date conversation starters.
6. People like people like themselves. Steer your conversation toward ferreting out common denominators whether it’s career, hobbies, number of cats, or number of grandchildren.
7. Once you know him better, invite him to family functions. How does he interact with your adult children or grandchildren?
8. Does your dog like him? Our pets sometimes have a second sense we don’t pick up on.
9. How does he treat his mother or the other women in his life? If he is surrounded by close and loving women, that’s an indicator that he will be respectful of you.
10. One date does not a relationship make. You may be getting a late start, but long-lasting relationships take a while to build. Don’t rush.
11. Sex? Hmmm. If you won’t belch up a beer in front of him, are you willing to take your clothes off in front of him? Know him well before you take that (giant) step.
12. If your kids like him, if your friends like him, if your neighbors like him, if your dog and/or cat like him, if he’s not borrowed money from you, if you don’t find duct tape and a Taser in the glove compartment of his car, you can probably feel safe in moving forward.

The September of your life is not too late to find love. Mark Twain says in his Eve’s Diary, “Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes--none knows whence--and cannot explain itself.” 

You have a lifetime of accumulated experience at reading people. You’ve screened your daughter’s and son’s dates, and maybe by now, you’ve even put the stamp of approval on your grandchildren’s dates. Trust your instincts. 

Be smart. Be safe. I wish you love.

If you know someone who may enjoy this article, please forward to them. They and you are welcome to join the conversation at wisewomenofage.blogspot.com .

  To purchase a copy of the Stardust album: Click here 

Start Me Up! A Senior's Map to the Technology Fast Lane

My first introduction to computer technology as we know it was around 1987 when the company I worked for installed word processing. As the only clerical person on staff, it was up to me to figure it out. There was no “online” because we weren’t. It was only for creating and storing documents. My scrooge-like boss was skeptical of it all, but when he realized how easy it was for me to edit, print, store, and then retrieve documents, he resigned himself to being OK with the technology.

Flash forward a few years to a new company, and we’re creating a networked database to enhance our record keeping and documents. As one of three staffers designated to get this up and running, I participated in classes to learn data entry. My first class of data entry was daunting. It took me close to 20 minutes to enter my first detailed data file. However, within two weeks, I could enter one complete data file approximately every 12 second.  I guess I’m a quick learner.

Flash forward again, and here we are in 2015. PowerPoint, spreadsheets, Facebooking, emailing, texting, Skype, and blogging; I consider myself proficient, but it was baby steps of accumulated knowledge. I have friends who are dazzled by my computer prowess, but it’s all a learning process. Employment forced me into computer skills, but social networking is a whole other ballgame.

E-mail became particularly important when both of my daughters lived in other states, one in the Midwest, one on the west coast. It was a necessary source for inexpensive communication. Remember, those were the days when we paid dearly for long distance calls. In a blog article I browsed at Age In Place Pros titled 50 Percent of Seniors Are Online and Why You Should Care it is reported from a Pew Research Internet Project that 82% of seniors use the internet on a daily basis, and that 48% of seniors use email every day. The report claims that email is the bedrock of online communications for seniors, with 86% of internet users ages 65 and older using email. 

Facebook came next. I skipped right over MySpace, glad that I didn’t waste my time there. My kids quickly abandoned their MySpace accounts when Facebook swept onto the scene. I got on the Facebook bandwagon because it was an easy way to not only keep in touch with my cousins in California, but to creep on what my kids and grandchildren were doing. All was going well until I chastised my granddaughter on her wall for use of inappropriate language, at which time she slammed the door shut on our Facebook friendship. The good news is she still talks to me in person.

A University of Arizona study finds seniors who use Facebook showed a 25% improvement in mental “updating” skills – essentially improving their memory, and that seniors who surf the internet can reduce depression by 20%. I taught my husband how to use the computer with a book titled Your Never Too Old to learn the Computer, and a series of screen shots with circles and arrows. 

I do have a Twitter account, but have never used it. Perhaps I will soon. I set up an Instagram account, but my oldest daughter promptly criticized me for it. She said I’m too old for an Instagram account. Funny, it didn’t ask my age when I set up the account. I pointed out that Oprah and Madonna both had Instagram accounts and she immediately countered that I am not Oprah or Madonna. I feel like I should insert a frowny-face emoticon here. 

Then there was the cellphone. Seventy percent of seniors own cellphones. I owned the traditional “senior citizen” flip phone for years, coercing my husband to carry one too in case of emergency. With the cellphone in hand, it made it easier to annoy my children and grandchildren by calling them too much. I then switched to texting when I realized that no one would answer the phone when I called, but they would promptly respond to a text sent seconds later. Too busy to talk to mom, but always have time to text. I feel like I should insert a frowny-face emoticon here too. I’ve now accepted texting as part of my daily communication, but found that using the old style flip phone was less than convenient for texting.  Next step up for me was the smart phone. 

I asked for a smart phone two years ago for Christmas, and received a Kitchenaid mixer instead. I asked for a smart phone the next year for Christmas and got a Ninja blender instead. Not that I don’t appreciate either of those gifts (because I wanted both of them), but I was hot on the trail of a smart phone. Thanks to a convenient family-plan offer from one of the major providers, in a phone-upgrading coup, my son got a new iPhone, my husband got a phone with a pop-out QWERTY keyboard to make texting easier,  and I got a mid-range Android-powered smartphone. By the way, my husband claims he hates his new phone, and swears his old flip phone was easier to use. “It’s a learning curve,” I keep telling him. When his contract expires in two years, I’m getting him a Jitterbug from AARP. 

I love my phone. I’m a Weight Watcher, so I can track my food Points with it, scan food barcodes to automatically calculate, my app enables me to track fluid intake, Map My Run tracks my outings and time on the treadmill, and the Waze app lets me know where the State Police are lurking when I’m traveling. It also keeps my calendar, my contacts, and allows me to voice record my to-do list so I don’t forget anything when running errands. Did I say I love my phone?

Kindle, Kindle Fire, Nook? Many of my friends own these gadgets. According to the Pew study, 11% of seniors own e-readers, and 8% own tablets. My sister loves her Kindle and this Christmas Santa brought her a Kindle Fire. I don’t see an e-reader in my future. I’m a bibliophile by nature, and prefer my reading to come on paper with a nice binding. The smell and feel of a book, the weight in my hand is all part of the joy of reading.

In the Boomer Babes Lifestyle survey, only one of the respondents out of 140 reported not using the internet. Apparently someone in her family “hooked her up” to answer the survey. So it does my heart good to know you wise women are keeping up with keeping up. 

For me, I’m glad to be connected. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be friends with many of you, and you wouldn’t be able to read this. In the meantime, if you want to call me, I will answer the phone. Drop me an email and I’ll get back to you. If you want to text me, I will text back. Want to friend me on Facebook? I’ll friend you back. Want to comment on this blog? I’ll respond. I’ll communicate in just about any format. Just don’t try to Tweet me. Remember, I’ve got the account, but don’t use it. Oh, and I’m not Oprah, so I’m not using my Instagram account either. 

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 Through compassion, you will find that all human beings are just like you. - Dalai Lama

http://ageinplacepros.com/pro-blog/50-percent-of-seniors-are-online-and-why-you-should-

http://www.pewinternet.org/2012/06/06/main-report-15/

www.aarp.org

http://www.greatcall.com/products/jitterbug

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.northpark.drinkwater

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.weightwatchers.mobile&hl=en

www.mapmyrun.com

https://www.waze.com/download